TEN YEARS, TEN MILLION TEARS
By Lisa Henderson

August 18, 1999

Dear Dad,

Well, it's been ten years today since your death and I can't tell you how much I miss you. So much has happened and though I know you are watching over me, I can't help but selfishly wish you were here with me. I have never gotten over the fact, that had I been there at the house an hour earlier, that maybe I could have done something to save you. At least you wouldn't have died alone. Everyone tells me there was nothing I could have done, that you died quickly from the heart attack, and that I should let it go, but I just can't. Maybe on the day I hug you again, I can let it go.

My life has changed alot since you left. I finally finished college, Dad. I know you were there when I walked across the stage to get my degree; I felt your presence. I know you were proud. I broke down in tears over the gift Mom gave me for graduation. It was the engagement ring you gave to her, but she had the jeweler refashion it into a beautiful heart necklace. What an honor for me!

I have two beautiful children, Heather and Ryan. They sometimes do things that remind me of you. Though they've never met you, they know how special you are to me. I speak of you often and we look through the photo albums together. They love to hear the stories of my childhood. I think you are even more special to them, because I tell them what a great Dad you were. You see, the man I chose to be their father is very absent in their lives. I am a single mother, now, but we are doing fine. My kids are fascinated by our wonderful family stories....the camping, the travelling, the fishing, the campfires, even the snakes you killed with an axe. I wish they could have met you. Heather is quite a talker, a real character, and I can just picture her sitting on your lap, having a very grown-up talk with you even though she's eight. Ryan, at four years, is a very active little boy and I picture him following you around the yard, asking you lots and lots of questions, and showing you the things he's found. You would have loved them dearly, Dad. I find comfort in something I heard once; that before God sends a baby to earth, to its mother's womb, He lets all the family in heaven hold it first. It's peaceful to know that maybe you cradled my babies before I did, and looked into their eyes, and kissed them on the cheek.

I feel such a loss in my life without you. Even now, as I write, the tears trickle down my cheeks. Every day there is something that brings you to my mind. Whenever I make a big decision, I think about what you might have done, or what you would think of what I'm considering doing. You were such a big part of my life, Dad, and I still find it hard to believe you are gone.

Mom and my sisters and I talk of you when we get together. We remember all the good times from the past. Mom has given me some of your things; the things that were special to me. I have a little pouch of your tobacco and I love to take it out and smell it when I'm missing you the most. I even kept the tape from the answering machine that has your voice on it.

There is so much I want to tell you, and so much I want to share with you, but you have been taken away from my life. I'm not angry anymore, but I was for a while. I wondered why a good man, like you, had to die; but bad men go on living. I've come to realize though, that you are in heaven watching over me, and have taken God's charge to help direct me down the right paths. You're doing a great job, Dad, because things are going well in my life. You will always be a part of me. It will be such a thrill to meet you in heaven and give you a great big hug. I have one request though for when I get there. I know I'm pretty big now, but can I please sit on your lap just for a little while? I miss you terribly.

Love from daughter #3, Lisa