Birthday Bonanza
by Bob Schwartz

We've recently experienced the one-year-old birthday party phenomenon for the third time in our home. I think this event falls into that category of things that you know less about the more you do it.

Most parents suffer Birthday Party Thrower's Anxiety. It's the trepidation of not knowing whether you've crossed the fine line from parental perspective to over indulgence. If your invitation reads black tie optional, your menu includes sushi and tortes, you've planned a live musical concert along with the exclusive screening of the new Disney movie, perhaps you've crossed that line.

My kids' first parties pretty much resembled a parking garage for high chairs. The prerequisite for getting an invite to a one-year-old birthday party apparently isn't actually knowing the birthday celebrant but sharing that unique common thread of actually being a baby. Imagine if that's how adults organized their parties. "Hey, is your sister 39 years old? Great. I don't know her but tell her she's invited to my party next week!"

Of course first year birthday parties should actually be thrown for the parents. They're the ones who have actually registered an accomplishment having survived midnight feedings; approximately 3,741 diaper changes; 265 baths; 147 spit ups; 106 instances of inconsolable crying in public places and 826 hours of lost sleep. In the landscape of children's birthday parties your child will eventually advance to the age where you'll hear the magic words of "drop off party". This means you deposit your child, go home and worry that they're eating too much sugar for lunch, pick them up and have it confirmed they did as they elect to race you alongside the car for the two miles home.

Goodie bags are a unique birthday concept. Somewhere along the way it became fashionable to send your little guests home with small toys, trinkets and candy. At the end of your child's party this tradition now seems a little inconsistent. You've just been worn to a frazzle from entertaining the last two hours, it feels like you've fed enough individuals to equal the population of Texas, you've mediated 67 disputes concerning possession rights to toys, broken up 13 skirmishes which developed after your mediations skills were ineffective, your family room appears to have been invaded by a wrapping paper shredder run amok and now you're obliged to give your guests a gift for coming to your party! However, as your party draws to a close and you engage in the game of kiddie corral with your guests, you do recognize the importance of having a goodie bag. A little bribery never hurts in attempting to get a small army of cake and ice cream laden children out your front door.

There is one key piece of information I've gathered from having witnessed this occurrence thirty-two separate times. Be aware that despite 78 whacks by four and five-year-olds, most piÒatas will eventually only be able to be opened up by an adult and a pick axe.

As my children get older, I now look forward to sleep-over parties. Talk about your misnomer. I'm not sure sleep is the operative word for a basement full of boys. Hey, at least we have a whole year to recover.