The Sounds of Science
By Bob Schwartz

The smell of flowers blooming and birds chirping may signify springtime to some but these signals mean something completely different for me. These annual happenings no longer provide for hope springing eternal but rather panic furnishing its yearly jolt. This time of year brings with it the frightful event that follows winter. For this is the season of science projects.

Now I recognize that science fairs are commendable as learning tools for children. A time to display their scientific creativity. A time to challenge their young minds and test hypotheses. A time to drag one's parents back down memory lane to those nostalgic anxiety attacks produced by school deadlines. When your child's ability to drive to the store to pick up the necessary materials is still at least ten years away and you're not yet entirely comfortable letting them fly solo with a hammer and circular saw - you'll find yourself involved up to your cerebellum in their science projects!

There are some parents who view this time as the highlight of the school season and jump in with both feet. I jump backwards towards the Internet to determine if there exists a market for pre-made science projects. No such luck. I'm now contemplating creating a web site called Science Swap. I'll trade a first grade project of a volcano and a kindergarten rainbow display for a third grade solar system. Recycling. That's real science!

In discussing potential science ideas with my young children, I attempt to steer them towards simplicity. My thoughts do not get more scholarly than does a basketball bounce higher with air or totally deflated? Does ice melt if left out of the freezer? Why? If you drop a head of cabbage and a rice cake from the roof which reaches the ground first? If you tighten the springs on a toaster will an egg bagel or an English muffin achieve a higher trajectory when shot out? If a grape becomes a raisin can a raisin become a grape?

My children are uninspired by my random thoughts and are pushing toward investigating how centrifugal force affects the germination of corn seeds or designing a solar powered hot dog cooker or determining if different concentrations of salinity has an effect on the growth of red mangoes. They're way out of my league.

Ultimately, we compromised with the first grade project being phases of the moon and the third grade a presentation of rocks and minerals. I'm finally thinking - no problem. Very doable. Rummage up a few rocks, paint a couple of earths and moons and we're done a few days early. Kick back and watch the Discovery Channel a few nights for extra credit in my book.

I soon found myself pacing the aisles of a mega department store at midnight searching for Styrofoam balls, peanut brittle (can you say igneous rocks), wooden shishkabob sticks and salt water taffy (can you say metamorphic rocks). I knew I was losing it when what began to concern me most was why peanut brittle flows in abundance around the holidays and is apparently nonexistent the other eleven and a half months? Is it only harvested in December? Perhaps an expose on this subject can be next year's project.

I finally tracked down the necessary materials and my solitary scavenger hunt was over. We completed the projects and were now prepared for the ultimate test of scientific aptitude - transporting everything to school without permanent damage. A full moon can quickly turn into a half moon if a turn is taken too sharply and celestial bodies are unintentionally realigned. Maybe next year's project can analyze if one applies quick pressure to the minivan's brakes and the earth/moon project is thereupon catapulted from the trunk, over the bench chair occupants and finds its final resting place upside down between the two captain chairs - how much damage to the project results? Will a six-year-old witness say, "Cool! Do that trick again!"

We did arrive unscathed, set up our projects and toured the fair. Arriving back home I confess to having enjoyed learning more science. I feel a little more comfortable knowing how different environments affect the regeneration of planaria and just what are the humidity preferences of a flour beetle. However, come next year, I'm sure my feelings of trepidation will resurface. Hopefully, I'll remember that we could always investigate that peanut brittle mystery. That is if my kids aren't on to more advanced items like whether the lemonwood plant contains antibiotic properties to fight fungal growth. I can't wait.