CHALLENGING IDEAS FOR ACTION-ORIENTED DADS
from Dr. Ken Canfield & the NATIONAL
CENTER for FATHERING
Copyright 1999 National
Center for Fathering
Reprinted with Permission
What Do Children Think About Working Parents?
In the News ...
In her creative study, Ask the Children, Ellen Galinsky
seeks to answer the question, "What do America's children
really think about working parents?" Her findings, based on
more that a decade of work, suggest that we need to look for
new ways to think about work and family.
With respect to the time we invest in our children's lives,
Galinsky believes we must distinguish focused time from
hang-around time. Focused time is when we're tuned in and
listening to our children. She adds, "We find that it is
older children--more than younger children--who are yearning
for more time, and they are yearning for more (focused) time
with their fathers."
Second, we need to replace the notion of balancing work and
family life with the concept of navigating work and family
life. Balancing implies an either/or situation--the idea
that if one side is up, the other side is down. It sets up a
win/lose scenario. Navigating the flow between work and home
suggests a dynamic interrelationship in which aspects of one
area can spill over, enhancing or impairing the other, much
the same way the father/child relationship functions.
To Think About ...
The testimonies of children tell it all. One young
woman remembers coming home from school eager to tell her
father what had happened to her that day. Her father failed
to look up and acknowledge her presence. She writes, "I will
never forget the pain of being invisible. I wouldn't have
minded it if he had just looked up and said, 'I'm busy--I'll
talk to you later.' But to be invisible!"
Another ten-year-old boy, reflecting on how attuned his
parents were, wrote, "They're really involved in what
they're saying to me. They're not just saying normal things
like, 'Uh huh ... uhn uhn.' They seem to be very intent on
what I'm saying, they're not just looking away."
What about you, dad? Would you describe yourself as
"focused" on your children or just "hanging around" the
house? Our children yearn for our focused, interested
attention, and it's vital that we give it to them.
In the Trenches ...
The state of Colorado has a rare privilege of having a
governor, lieutenant governor, and an attorney general who
are embracing efforts to promote responsible fathering. In a
conference this past week, the bipartisan trio endorsed
efforts to strengthen fathers in the state. The conference
took place at the Denver Tech Center a few miles east of
Columbine High School. Another state official suggested that
the tragedy of Littleton might have been avoided if fathers
had been "connected" to their children.
ACTION POINTS for Committed Fathers
1. Ask your children to describe the mood and atmosphere at
your job--or your mood when you arrive home. Listen
closely.
2. Tell your children about how you perceived your father's
and mother's working lives. Illustrate with a specific
story.
3. Plan to take your child to work or a scheduled work
activity before the holidays. If you have young children,
take a 1/2 day of flex time and spend it with them.
4. Ask another father to suggest ways he's seeking to
navigate work and family life.
10200 W. 75th Street, Suite 267, Shawnee Mission, KS 66204 -
Phone 913-384-4661 - Fax 913-384-4665 http://www.fathers.com
- E-mail dads@fathers.com
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