What's That Under the Bed? Dealing With Your Child's Fears.
by Jim Zola
Jim.zola@ci.high-point.nc.us 

Where I grew-up in upstate New York (when I tell people where I grew-up, I use a telescopic explanation. I start with the general -- New York -- and then continue as far as I feel is needed -- upstate New York -- the Albany area -- Schenectady -- well, actually the little town of Niskayuna), the winters were monsters of cold, ice and snow. My childhood house was old and heated by an old dragon of a furnace in the basement (basements are just one of the things I miss while living in the "South") and forced steam radiators in all the rooms. The radiators were like another piece of furniture in the room and they clunked and hissed as the steam heated the room units until they were too hot to touch. At nights, in the dark, alone in my bedroom, that radiator became an emblem of all my childhood fears. It groaned, it spat, it whispered threats, and ghosts rose out of its elements and hovered over me in my half-sleep. Coupled with the creaking sounds of the old house settling (the house settling was the explanation I was given for all the strange unexplainable middle of the night noises), my nights in those early years were full of sleepless hours with the blankets piled on top of me and all kinds of horrendous imaginary epics swirling about my waking dreams.

I mention these memories because my 3 year-old is starting to fear things at night. She has bad dreams (a reoccurring dream of her little brother being flushed down the toilet) and she is starting to fear the dark. When we ask her what it is that is scary, she says she hears voices laughing. I tell her that laughter is not so scary, or that it is simply our heating system (not steam), but the reality is that if I thought I heard disembodied laughter in the dark, I too would be scared.

First we need to understand what children fear and what fear is. Fear is a natural feeling for both children and adults. Taking these emotions to the extremes, where the fears control your life, is not a natural thing. But natural fears are an important tool that we use to avoid dangers. A fearless child (or adult) is likely to make many trips to the emergency room. I find it difficult to curb my fatherly instincts to warn my child of the slightest possibility of danger. Being overly cautious could be just as detrimental to the child as being fearless. Our jobs as parents are to find the middle ground and teach our children how to face their fears.

What do children fear? Loud noises, strangers, separation, darkness, bathing, monsters, ghosts, fires, burglars, embarrassment, failure, death. For the most part, these childhood fears are not that much different than the primal fears most adults feel. Our fears are coated with the knowledge of our "reality" and the experiences of our day-to-day lives. But while my wife was gone recently for an entire week, I found myself listening to the sounds in the night and reaching for that baseball bat under my bed.

Are our children's fears any greater than were our childhood fears? This could be researched and debated until the cows come home. My feelings are that the influence of media saturation in our children's lives is bound to take a toll. But does the media violence cause more anxiety in children, or does the onslaught of real and fictional violence simply desensitize the child until the news of schoolyard massacres are simply just another ho-hum?

The media influenced my oldest son in a negative way. At the age of 5 he viewed a scary movie (at the daycare if my memory serves me right) and as a result he would not get out of bed at night to use the bathroom without a parental escort. But scary movies are nothing new. I saw a scary movie on TV in my early teens that makes it impossible for me to sit in a room alone with a dummy (the ventriloquist type). The movie wasn't some new release, but a movie made in the 1940's.

So how do you handle your child's fears? With my son, who started having bad dreams after seeing the scary movie, we resorted to getting him a magical charm, a dream catcher. A dream catcher comes from Native American legend. The round object with woven material is suppose to catch the sleepers bad dreams in the web and allow the good dreams to pass through the hole in the center. It worked for our son.

Things you should remember when dealing with a child's fears -- respect their fears, but do not create a focus on the object of fear. Again, we parents walk the thin line. Also, be aware of the fact that children tend to feed off our adult fears. With the youngest child, distraction is often the best device. With a slightly older child, it helps to use that vivid imagination to alleviate the fears. Our daughter is an expert at spraying away monsters with her aerosol monster spray.

Now, if I can just get myself a giant can of aerosol to spray away the bill collecting monsters, we will all sleep better.