Tuxedo Swimming
By Michael T. Powers

This past Tuesday I took my 3 year old, Caleb, to his first swimming lessons at the local YMCA. I was looking forward to some father/son bonding time as my wife suggested doing this with my boy this past winter. The day before I asked my lovely wife Kristi to call the YMCA to check and see what we were supposed to bring, what time we were to be there, etc. I work third shift and have a hard time making call during the day when I'm sleeping, and just wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting into......

We left a half hour early, just to make sure we were there on time, and we went to the locker room to change. We both got our swimsuits on, put the rest of our clothes in a gym bag, and proceeded to make our way out through the showers and into the pool area. I was really looking forward to this. Me, my boy, nothing on but our swimsuits, and a pool full of water. What could be better?

Well, I rounded the corner, holding hands with my excited son, and an inaudible gasp of horror escaped me. There in the hall next to the pool were 10-15 parents and their young children. All the children had their swim suits on but every one of the parents were fully dressed. Let me rephrase that..... All the Mothers were fully dressed. There was not another Father to be seen for miles. I WAS THE ONLY GUY!! Some Mothers were in dresses and power suits like they had just come from the office, while others had jeans and a shirt on. But the important thing was THEY WERE ALL FULLY DRESSED!!

I could just hear what they were thinking.....

"Who is the three year old with the hair on his chest?"

"Can a man really have a chest that goes into his body instead of out?"

"I thought you had to be a corpse to have skin that white?"

"My sunglasses! Where are my sunglasses?!" "OH The HUMANITY!"

"He must have tapeworms. Something has to be stealing his nourishment."

"All this weight equipment at the YMCA and he stills looks like that!"

I wanted to scream back at them:

"I TRIED LIFTING WEIGHTS BUT THEY'RE TOO HEAVY!!

I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide, but there was no where to go.......

The nice young high school girls who were teaching the swim class started explaining that the parents were to stay out in the hall and watch their kids through the large windows. The only time they were to go by the pool was if their child was crying or misbehaving. Otherwise the teachers didn't want the children distracted by their parents while they were taught not to drown.

I slowly reached into my gym bag and pulled out my T-shirt. Trying my best to be cool and nonchalant I was able to cover the top half of my body, and by the time she was done talking I was fully clothed.......

Caleb had a great time as I watched through the windows and tried to avoid any possible conversation with another human being.......

When I came home, the first thing out of Kristi's mouth was, "How come you're not wet?"

After I explained what had transpired she just laughed and laughed until her stomach hurt.

For some reason, even after the phone call, we were both under the impression that I would get to frolick in the water also. And the best part of the whole story is: I have to go back and face these people again today at 4:30. And then twice a week for the next month or so.

I think I might rent a tux for today's swimming lesson........

Thanks for listening,

Michael
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