Ten Nonabusive Parenting Tools

"Always be nice to children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

-- Phyllis Diller

Parenting today is different from when we grew up under our parents. Society has different views about what is an acceptable way to discipline children. On the one hand, we are told not to spank or hit our children. And yet, loving them is not enough to teach them right from wrong. What parents need are the right tools for the job...of parenting. You wouldn't use a hammer to fix every problem around the house! So, why would parents expect that only one tool (spanking) is enough for every child problem and every child.

Adapted from the book "Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting" by Ron Huxley, MFCC.

Copyrighted by Singular Publishing Group, Inc. 1998.

1. All or Nothing is a parenting tool that is useful for "acting out" behaviors. "Acting out" behaviors include inappropriate running around the room, aggressive behavior, endless teasing and practical jokes, etc. Parents can use this tool by giving the child a task or activity that makes the "acting out" behavior impossible to perform at the same time as the assigned task or activity. For example, a child who is sitting down coloring a picture cannot be running around the room at the same time. A child who is eating an apple cannot bite other children. A child who is helping mom or dad around the house cannot be picking on their little brother or sister.

2. Bedtime Ritual is a parenting tool for both traditional and nontraditional families alike. For many families, bedtime is a period of conflict and frustration. Parents struggle with getting children into bed and children search for any distraction that will prevent it as long as possible. An example of a bedtime ritual might include:

7:30 p.m. Brush teeth

7:45 p.m. read a book together

8:00 p.m. Sing a short song or talk with lights off

8:15 p.m. kiss each other goodnight

These kind of rituals are familiar and familiar things reduce feelings of anxiety and lessen power struggles. It is much easier to tug-o'-war with a parent when there is not a set schedule at bedtime.

3. Choices are a parenting tool that provides children with a couple of choices, which fall within acceptable parental standards. It also encourages children to make their own decisions and avoids frequent power struggles. As an example, a parent might state: "Which pants do you want to wear to school today, the blue ones or the white ones?" If red pants are not acceptable to you, do not include them in the list of choices. If your child demands the red pants anyway, use the broken record technique listed above. Choices provide children with a feeling of power because they are in control of what they eat, wear or play. The parent also wins because they have control over the amount and type of choices available to the child. Power struggles are never a win/win proposition. Permissive parents feel so guilty about making their child follow the rule, especially when the child responds angrily, that they eventually give-in and then resent their child and hate themselves for not standing firm. Authoritarian parents rarely give choices to their children and must rely on force to get their child's cooperation. Force is o.k. when the parent is bigger than the child is. But after a while, children tend to grow up and many teenagers become larger than the parent does. What to do then? Reasonable choices are much more democratic form of cooperation than authoritarian is, "do it my way or else" or permissive, "please do it just this once" statements.

Some children will choose the third, unspoken option. When the parents ask the child if they want orange juice or milk to drink with lunch; do their homework now or after the television program; fold the clothes or rake the leaves; wash or dry the dishes, etc, this child will go for that third option.

In response, simple tell the child that the choices are A or B and not C. Review the broken record technique for support here. Firmness and consistency are good balanced parenting practices and provide the child with a feeling of security. Children need to know what and where the limits are. Children who do not know where to find the limits, become anxious and out-of-control.

4. The Choose Your Battles parenting tool is an important and often forgotten tool. Many of the battles parents get into with their children could be avoided if they would just choose more carefully which battles they wish to fight and which they do not. Not all battles can be won. And some don't even matter in light of the big picture, so choose which battles are really important. If it doesn't matter which pants the child wears to school then don't fight with them over it. If it does matter, then make sure your are prepared with some balanced parenting tools listed here. Although you may not win all of the battles, you can still win the war.

5. Deed from the Doer is a parenting tool that separates a child's actions from their identity as worthy people. The underlying premise is that a child is still loved although parents may not love what he or she has done. The action does not determine the value of the child in the parent's eyes. If a child misbehaves, the parent does not shame or blame the child but states how that particular action was inappropriate or how disappointed they are with that behavior. Parents can remind the child of the rule that was violated. In addition, parents may need to communicate a need to solve the problem created by the child's action.

6. Doing nothing is useful for overprotective or controlling parents. These type of parents have difficulty letting their child experience life on their own. They feel they must oversee their child's life and become a "hovering parent", always hovering over their children. They have difficulty letting children make decisions on their own and want to protect them from failure. Unfortunately, failure is how we learn not to make future mistakes. In situations where parents feel the need to "hover" over a fight between siblings or finish a child's school project, they need to stop and remind themselves to "do nothing" instead. Doing nothing on the parent's part will allow the child to do something on their part. While they will fail, at times, they will also have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. This is how children achieve self-responsibility and control. The sense of accomplishment that results from overcoming their mistakes is inestimable.

Believe it or not, this may actually be more difficult on the child than the parent. The child is not used to being frustrated or trying new tasks solo. It may cause some feelings of anxiety and may even lead to a power struggle if the child interprets the parent's behavior (or lack of it) as not caring. But the power struggle is simply another tactic by the child to get the parent to do "more of the same" and rescue them from their fear of failure. Parents can ask themselves, "Why must I intervene?" and "What makes it so difficult to let my children make a mistake?"

7. Encouragement is a parenting tool that rewards a child's little efforts rather than their end results. It has been said that children misbehave because they are discouraged about their place in the family and their value to their parents. When children question this fundamental source of identity, they act in ways that quickly re-establishes their feeling of belonging, even if it means belonging as the family troublemaker. Encouragement provides discouraged children with the steps necessary to lift themselves out of their feelings of hopelessness and despair.

Most parents confuse encouragement with praise. But encouragement is different from praise. Praise tells the child how "good" they are for their accomplishments rather than their efforts. Praise is when parents tell their children how "big" they are getting when they perform a task adequately. While this type of praise appears beneficial, it can actually be harmful. Young children have a pre-operational or concrete view of the world. What this means is that they do not completely understand how the world operates, they confuse fantasy with reality, and take what parents say, literally. When parents tell their children how "big" they are getting, children misconstrue this to mean literal size not how independent or self-sufficient they are becoming. Consequently, children will compare themselves to other children to determine who is the biggest, smartest, fastest, funniest, etc. And in life, there will always be someone bigger, smarter, faster, and funnier than they are. This is why the innocent little statement of "big" can be so condemning. In contrast, the encouragement parenting tool lets children know how much the parent appreciates their cooperation or how excited the parent feels about their teamwork, or how pleasantly surprised they were at the child's volunteering to help when they weren't even asked. And most importantly, encouragement communicates the message that children are worthy regardless of how well they have done.

8. Family Therapy is a parenting tool that families can use when they feel "stuck" in their attempts to balance love and limits. If after several tries, a family is unable to talk peacefully, share feelings, and work things out, then a professional trained in family therapy may be the appropriate choice. Family Therapist, often called Marriage, Family and Child Therapists, are trained in a variety of disciplines to assist families become stronger and healthier. They can help families deal with parent/child conflicts, divorce, and child behavior problems. Not all family therapist are the same and it would be advisable to "shop around" until parents find one that has the right experience, meets their financial needs, and they are comfortable discussing their problems. Family therapists can be located through the Yellow Pages, local Resource and Referrals agencies, parenting hot lines, or by word of mouth.

9. Humor is a parenting tool that has saved many potentially abusive situations. Humor acts as a release valve for all of the stress that accumulates during the day with children. Raising children is a challenge, during the best of times. During the worst of times, it can be disparaging.

Humor itself can take many forms. One application is for parents, during a stressful situation, to laugh at themselves. We all make mistakes and chuckling at ourselves during these dangerous moments can not only relieve the tension in the room but can also teach your child that life shouldn't be treated so seriously. By laughing at themselves, parents can show their children that one's self-esteem is not based on what you do (a conditional attitude) but on whom you are (an unconditional attitude).

Parents can also make a soft joke of their child's mistake. These jokes should be in good taste and take into consideration the sensitivity of the child. Some children are crushed by what others would consider a harmless jest. Remember, the object of this parenting tool is to decrease stress not increase bad feelings. This second application of humor also teaches children that life shouldn't be treated too seriously. It encourages children to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and go on after a mistake was made.

An example of this tool in action might include the stressful situation of getting everyone ready for work and school in the morning. If on the way to school, parents sense a dark cloud in the car, they can utilize this parenting tool. Parents can change the mood by singing a funny lyric or telling a knock-knock joke to keep the mood affable. Children will get into the spirit of the humor by telling their own jokes, even if they are made up on the spot.

10. Positive Expectations are statements by parents to their children about what is appropriate behavior. The goal of this tool is to teach children what parents want, not what they don't want. For example, telling a child that dirty clothes belong in the laundry basket is different from telling a child to stop leaving their clothes in the middle of the room. Telling a child that feet belong on the floor is different than telling them to take their feet of the table. State what you want, not what you don't want. This avoids children's complaints that you never told them they couldn't put their feet on a different piece of furniture. This tool also increases the feelings of cooperation and respect. Parents who wish to balance love and limits find that in order to get respect, they have to respect their children. Positive expectations decrease defensiveness and increase cooperation. It also eliminates many of the power struggles between parents and children.