STARK RAVING DAD
Stuff I've Learned Since Becoming A House Dad
By KEITH SHANNON
Read more of Keith's Articles at Slowlane, a fabulous resource for stay at home dads!

I have a confession to make: I have, in a former life, been called a know-it-all. Back when I was active in the fast-paced, highly intellectual world of attorneys, to be called a know-it-all was something of a compliment. Which perhaps explains why attorneys tend to be liked only by their mothers, and, even then, only on occasion.

Nevertheless, back in my practicing days, being a know-it-all seemed to serve me well. For instance, when negotiating a settlement I could actually look another lawyer in the eye and with a straight face say things like, ``Even though your client's car was only going 3 miles an hour when it rear-ended my client, the simple laws of physics easily explain why my client suffered bruises, contusions, concussions and a broken neck.''

I knew it all back then, and no one could tell me differently. But that was B.C. (Before Children).

Since giving up law practice and staying home with the kids, I have learned that, not only don't I know it all, but what I do know is of very little practical use. It has taken the arrival of someone much smaller and much louder to teach me this vital truth.

So, as a public service to any Mom and Dad wanna-bes out there, I present here, in no particular order, Stuff I've Learned Since Becoming A House Dad. Some of it sounds strange, I know, but trust me on this: You'll thank me later.

The Life Truths:

1. One should never, even in jest, mention the word ``liposuction'' to a woman who has recently given birth.

2. An automatic child swing, if inadvertently set on ``high'' will subject an infant to a force of approximately two G's.

3. A wife who discovers a child swing inadvertently left on ``high'' can safely remove the child and hurl the swing at her husband in approximately 3.2 seconds.

4. Emergency-room workers seem to think that being injured by a hurled child swing is, for some reason, humorous.

5. It is possible in the wee hours of the morning to hold a baby in one hand, a bottle in the other and to operate a TV remote with your chin.

6. At 3:30 in the morning, even the most insipid infomercial is fascinating.

7. Credit cards should be hidden carefully, lest they be located at 3:30 in the morning.

8. It's impossible to re-sell a beef-jerky maker through the classifieds.

9. Women in malls love men who carry babies.

10. Women in mall parking lots laugh openly at men who drive minivans.

11. An infant's bowels will move freely only when parents are already 15 minutes late and headed out the door.

12. People who have had babies will invariably tell new parents stories in grossly intimate detail of the births of their children, sometimes even including terms such as ``crowning'' and ``placenta.''

13. New parents actually will be interested in hearing such gross stories and will quickly chime in with their own, often more graphic tales.

14. The same friends and co-workers who tell you how envious they are of your decision to stay at home and raise your child disappear instantly when there is a diaper to be changed.

And finally, Life Truth No. 15. There are very, very few problems in life that cannot be made much better with a simple hug and kiss from a 6-year-old or the sweet, gap-toothed grin of a 10-month-old.

There you have it, as promised, and in no particular order. I have been informed that parenthood, as it progresses, teaches one even more valuable lessons. My only response is that this cannot and must not be true.

Surely, by now, I know it all.