In This Corner...
by Wesley Steinberg

Fighting and kids go together like peanut butter and jelly. Wait a minute. Maybe that's a bad analogy. I like peanut butter and jelly. I don't like fighting, especially when the combatants are my darling daughters.

The younger girls do most of the fighting, perhaps because they spend more time together. But all three of them have been known to duke it out at times. Times I'd like to forget. Those fights really get ugly! I mean, you expect it from boys. But when little girls fight, it seems crude and debasing. Girls are supposed to be better than that. But I'm their Daddy. I'm looking at them through rose-coloured glasses. And the lenses really fog up when they begin to battle for supremacy. Like Ali and Forman--only worse!

Sometimes I think I should build a boxing ring in the backyard. I'd buy the girls a pair of boxing gloves, head gear and a mouth protector, ring the bell and let them come out fighting! It's better than watching them roll around on the kitchen floor, pulling hair and scratching cheeks! The screaming alone is enough to make the blood curdle in my veins. And the crying. Yowsah! It's like hearing a couple of cats in heat meowing and scratching on the door to get out, only to find a big dog on the other side. Boxing is much more civilized. And if I had the ring, I could make a couple of bucks selling tickets to those neighbours who can't get enough of the ToughMan competition on FX. (My daughters could probably kick those tough guy butts easily, especially when they hunt in a pack! Brrrrrr.)

"In this corner... Weighing in at 85 pounds--Alicia! She has a nasty temper and a mean right hook, and she looks great in pink!

"In the opposite corner... Weighing in at a solid 52 pounds--Marissa! Don't let her size fool you folks! What she lacks in stature she makes up for in pure orneryness!

"Okay, Girls! I want a clean fight. No pinching, no eye-gouging, no pushing, no spitting, no scratching, no slapping, no kicking, no biting, no hair-pulling, no screaming, no whining, and above all--NO CRYING! At the bell, come out punching! And remember kids, dance around a bit, make it last awhile. We have paying customers out there who want to see a real knock-down, drag-out, powerful paralyzing pre-pubescent pugilistic performance of prodigious proportions! And one more thing, if your mother finds out about this, it was your idea!"

Okay, perhaps I've slipped over the edge a bit. But what's a dad to do? Only one thing, I guess. Stay out of the way!
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