How Do You Handle Squabbles Between Your Kids? - From Dad's Point of Viewby Dr. Ken Canfield
Copyright 1999 National Center for Fathering
Reprinted with Permission
In the Trenches ...
During our staff meeting this week, we had an interesting discussion. It arose after a staff member asked for suggestions on how to deal with continuing squabbles between two pre-adolescent kids. Some interesting ideas came out. One staff member said he usually tells his kids to take it somewhere else (that isn't a cop-out; he wants to force them to learn to solve their own relationship issues). Another dad said he has the two kids sit together, look at each other, and think of at least one good thing to say about each other. At our house, I try to use these opportunities to help our children learn how to reconcile by 1) recognizing that they are at least partly at fault, then 2) asking for and receiving forgiveness. Do you have an approach that works with your children? We'd love to hear about it. To Think About ...
In their book, Parenting With Love & Logic, Foster Cline, M.D., and Jim Fay write this on the topic: "Normal parents who have normal kids have kids who fight. That's one of the things kids do. Sibling rivalry is a part of growing up. Unfortunately, many of us tell ourselves we're not good parents if our children fight. However, if that were the measure of good parenting, there wouldn't be a single good parent on the face of the earth." Cline & Fay's approach is to butt out and expect the children to handle it themselves--unless, of course, one child is in real danger or one is constantly terrorizing another. If the children know it's up to them to solve the problem, they're much less likely to try to get each other in trouble or fight simply to get their parents' attention. In the News ...
With the U.S. Open starting earlier this week, Frederick Klein wrote in the Wall Street Journal about parents' involvement in their kids' sporting events. Tennis continues to get a lot of attention in this area. Of course, he writes, it's great to see a dad interested and involved, but when his own sense of accomplishment--or even his financial livelihood--depends on the child's performance, there is great potential for conflict or even abuse. Stay tuned as the fathering stories develop at the Open. And watch yourself, too, as the fall sports seasons heat up. ACTION POINTS for Committed Fathers
1. Discuss with your children's mother how your family handles conflict. What specific things can you do to handle it more effectively (and model healthy conflict resolution for your children)?
2. When your child is highly emotional, help him identify the underlying emotion: "I guess you're pretty frustrated with your sister, aren't you?" Then help him come up with a better way to handle the situation.
3. During your child's sports events this fall, set your mind to be a positive influence. Learn all the kids' names and encourage them; find something good to say about the coaches and referees.
4. After your child's game or performance, say, "Good game. I'm proud of you," with no, "but ..." at the end.
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