When Dad Speaks, the Family Says, "Huh?" - From Dad's Point of Viewby Wesley Steinberg
Being a father and a husband today is rather like being a game show host. He must be charming, knowledgeable, confident, consistent and impartial. He must effectively settle any and all disputes between contestants, namely, his wife and children. He must be in charge, always in complete control of any situation, and he must have the strength of will to make his judgments stand--right or wrong--and still come out of it smelling like a rose. And his home planet is...? The reality is that real-life game show host fathers are not perfect. We are not suave and debonair. We are not always in control. We do not have bucketloads of cash! Our children do not hang on our every word. (Our mates do so even less.) We are hosting a show that no one watches but us, and we always have a fear of being canceled. We worry no one in our family is listening to us, because all anyone ever says is, "Huh?". But we push on anyway, hoping the day will come when we ask our loved ones, "Can you name that tune?", and we hear them say, "Yes, Dad! We can name that tune in two notes!" "Peter, I'll take Paul Lynde to block!" Listening is good. Understanding is better. Your kids hear the words, "Wash your hands before you eat", but it floats inside their heads on a sea of random thoughts about what games they're going to play after dad stops talking. What they understand is, "Don't let Dad see the gunk on your hands when you make a sandwich!". Your family hears the words, "It's important to be prompt", but what they understand is, "Huh?". If my family has one weakness it's getting up on time in the morning. (I've always thought my wife and kids will be late for their own funerals, which stands to reason, I guess, since the deceased is always referred to as "the late...".) It takes a nuclear launch alert to awaken my sleeping children from their slumber, and more often than not they gotta have that alert blasted in their ears at least three times. My wife's problem with mornings is similar. Trying to rouse her from a deep sleep is like trying to raise the dead with a teaspoon and a voodoo spell. She goes through more alarm clocks than a writer goes through paper. (The first thing to go is always the snooze button, which gets pressed, poked and prodded about 900 times a week.) "Honey, the alarm is ringing." "Mmmm... Turn it off, will you?" "Honey, the alarm clock is on your side of the bed." "Mmmm... Okay, I'll get it." "Dear, you've been saying that for the last fifteen minutes. We only have 24 hours to play with today." "Mmmm..." "I'm showering now, Dear. I'll wake the kids again when I get out, okay?" "Mmmm... I'll get it." I heard the alarm ring twice more during the 20 minutes I spent in the bathroom. "Honey, it's time to get up. I called the kids again, and I'm getting a little tired running from their bedrooms and back again." I didn't even get a response this time. I put a mirror under her nose to check for signs of life. She punched me in the arm. "Sweetheart, if you don't get up now I'll tell everyone we know that you twist your hair while you sleep." "Mmmm..." I am so glad I work nights now. I only have to deal with a small part of the blank stares and the confusion and the utter chaos that all too soon develops around my house in the morning. Watching my wife and daughters get ready for school when they finally do get up is like observing the charge up San Juan Hill. It's wild, it's dangerous--and you'd better stay out of the way! Now, I only get to see the actual "battle" at the top of the hill. It's still wild and crazy, but it doesn't last as long. "Okay, Johnny, tell the contestants what they've won!" I may not always get my family to understand what they are listening to, but I have the satisfaction of knowing that someday, somewhere along the line, they will respond to someone with, "Hey, I learned that on my dad's game show!" or "My husband said something like that once during the speed round!". Time may well be on my side. I may yet be popular with my loved ones and top the ratings. Or I'll be replaced by Alec Trebek!
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