Father, Dear Father
By Jill Curtis
Whether men like it or not, the women's movement has had an impact on all areas of their daily life. Nowhere has this been more pronounced than in their role as fathers. If mom is at work, at a gym class, or having a girl's night out, the outcome is very likely to be that it is dad who is at home reading the bedtime story. As women have become more active in life outside the family, men have been 'allowed' into the secret world of mother and baby. How had this considerable shift in family dynamics come about? And how widespread is it? You would not be reading this Childfun article if you didn't believe in the importance of being involved, really involved, in the life of your children. Perhaps it is difficult for a man who is concerned with the day-to-day care of his children to believe that some fathers do not take on the parenting role - even as we near the millennium - with equal enthusiasm and sense of responsibility. When researching for my books on family issues I spoke with men who were apart from their families, and had little or no contact with their children. Almost without exception they told me, sometimes wistfully, sometimes aggressively, that they did not believe they had been missed and that it did not matter to their children that they were not part of their lives. How is it that these men could have such a low opinion of their own value, and of their importance in their children's lives? Psychoanalytic thinking and understanding at first dwelt on the importance of the mother and baby bond, and its influence on relationships in later adult life. It is only comparatively recently that the significance of the father has been recognised. Fathers are encouraged to play an active role in preparations for the birth, and to be present at the birth. With mothers spending less and less time in hospital after the birth fathers are now in a position not only to support the new mother, but to have a real hands on' experience with their new baby. I have heard this period called a babymoon' where the three can take time to merge into the new loving family. If society at large can appreciate what many families already know from experience that children need the hands of both parents to rock the cradle, there will be less chance, if the family should breakup, for the male parent to become one of the army of absent fathers. Today in any supermarket you can see the number of young fathers involved in the family shopping. Quite often you see dad, with a baby strapped to his back, debating which cereal or juice is the family favourite. He knows, from experience, that remembering which is the right' one brings harmony around the breakfast table. The new man' isn't afraid to be seen changing a nappy. He is there to cheer on the team, to feed the ducks, and to play with his kids. Any father so absorbed with the everyday care of his kids would never doubt that he would be missed by them if he were not around. Let us hear directly from the fathers whose families have sadly broken up. Jim: My exwife and I have arranged shared care. We agreed the children must come first so we were able to put out disagreements to one side, and focus on the kids and what was best for them.' From Alan: I never was truly involved with my boy as a baby. I thought I would wait until he was older. How was I to know we would split up? The best I can do is to say See you in a month, son.' But let us cheer the dads who today pick up the kids from school, find time in a busy work schedule to play with them, and who are there to take turns pacing the floor at four in the morning with a colicky baby. They know who they are, and they are aware that they are forging a bond with their children which will never be broken.
Jill Curtis is a psychotherapist and author of
articles and books on family issues:
Where's Daddy? Separation and Your Child' and
Making and Breaking Families - the Way Ahead for Parents and their Children'.
She is married with three children and seven grandchildren.
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Father, Dear FatherFriday, 09 January 2009 Father, Dear Father By Jill Curtis Whether men like it or not, the women's movement has had an impact on all areas of their daily...
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