Coping With His Relationship with HER
by Susan Wilkins-Hubley
When you met your partner to be, for the very first time, and learned he was divorced, you probably thought "Hmmmm, well, I can move past that". He might not have even be fully and legally divorced, perhaps just separated. Maybe he just moved out, maybe she just left. A million different scenarios could have been and are possible. You were probably curious about his ex-wife. After-all, anything you learn about her, gives you leverage as to what he does and does not like. It's almost like reading a map to find out where you're going, if you're going anywhere at all. With this newfound curiosity, you learn some things that you probably don't like about "her", maybe even some things that horrify you, maybe they are true, maybe they are a little skewed.
But you've probably formed your impression of his ex-wife haven't you?
As your relationship with him develops, you are beginning to see how involved he is or isn't with his children if there are any, and his ex-wife. Are they emotionally divorced? If the answer is no, you've got quite a mountain to climb - both of you. Many never make it to the top. Sometimes there will be and are phone calls at any time of the day for anything from flat ties, broken dryers, little Suzie had a bloody accident at the park, and maybe.... just a little conversation about nothing at all. You think, well, he should know about the children, but does he really have to run over there and fix the dryer? Why is she calling him "just to talk?" I thought they were finished. What am I doing here?"
Good question!
An emotional divorce, as a rule, takes longer than a legal divorce. Depending on the "needs" on either side, it can seem like forever, and it will become an issue between yourself and your mate. You might feel threatened and resentful by her never ending influence on his life, especially if there are children involved. These feelings are normal, and depending on the situation, they are manageable. Sure it's frustrating when "she" calls in the middle of a romantic dinner, and yes you have a right to feel angry and rejected if he runs out the door to accommodate her! This is when the issue of "boundaries" comes into play. You have personal boundaries that you want "her" to respect, but she doesn't know that because you're just not chummy enough with her right now to let her know. So you hope that your husband or mate will enlighten her right? Don't count on it. Most men who are not fully emotionally divorced have no clue as to what are and are not appropriate boundaries, they are still entangled in the past marital web. Sometimes it's quite a tangled web at that.
Here are some suggestions that may come in handy while surviving his relationship with "her", let's get the politically correct yet important suggestions out of the way first:
Play nice.
You might never know what exactly caused the divorce to begin with, more than likely you've heard that she kept an awful house, she never wanted to have sex, and she scared him half to death by coming to bed coated with cold cream. Whatever the reason, it takes two.
Understand that she is not going to go away.
She will always and forever be his ex-wife. Nothing will ever change that and nothing will ever change the history they have together. It's painful for second wives, but it is truly something we have to accept. If we don't we'll always be jealous, resentful and bitter. Do you think that's what he wants in a mate? Is that who you want to be?
Respect and accept his children.
No matter what age they are, they deserve respect. They are innocent, they are a product of their marriage and never ever asked for that divorce. More than anything they probably wish their parents back together. It's fact of life, and remember, it's nothing personal. If you truly in your heart, can not accept his children as a major part of his life, get out now. If you don't, EVERYONE will suffer, yourself included. Acceptance is the key - you don't have to like them.
Make your own traditions.
When the holiday seasons come around, things can get dicey for everyone - including "her". Accept old traditions but maintain your personal boundaries. Be reasonable. He will want to be with his children, he will want to "play Santa", you might end up putting a tricycle together on Christmas Eve instead of having a wild romantic evening alone. You may have to endure his sister's comments at the Thanksgiving dinner table, and you might have to deal with your own family's disapproval of your relationship. Holidays are the hardest part of the year. Invent new ways to celebrate as a couple. Don't become hung up on dates. Your Christmas Eve as a couple can be on December 23rd because you have his children during the holidays, it's not a big deal. Expect to make concessions. Be flexible but don't let everyone walk all over you.
Offer a kind gesture to the ex-wife.
She may be as apprehensive as you are. She may truly want to get to know you. She may also feel threatened and curious as well. Be warm and friendly when you meet her for the first time no matter what. Don't give her a reason to dislike you. If she refuses to be reasonable or friendly, at least you were the bigger person and you made the effort. Hold your head high and move on. Don't dwell on it, it's nothing personal, if it wasn't you, it would be another girlfriend or new wife he might have had.
Encourage open communication between your partner and his ex-wife, but do not leave yourself out.
Yes. Encourage them to communicate, especially if they have small children, but have lengthy discussions with "him" as to what you are and are not comfortable with and expect. He needs to know. If you are uncomfortable with the number of calls or their content, tell him. Tell him how you feel and ask him if you both can work out an agreed plan, or a rule of thumb for communication between he and and his ex-wife. Be reasonable. Don't let her rule your home or your life. You are in control. You are his wife or partner. Their romantic relationship is over and any husbandly or romantic expectations are definitely out of line. Make sure you make this crystal clear to him, and if necessary, to her.
Pick and choose your battles!
Some things just are not worth an argument about. If she's ten minutes late with the kids or shows up at a basketball game when you have the kids, let it go. Just don't compromise your own happiness or sanity!
Avoid obsessing over his previous relationship.
Obsessing is probably one of the most harmful things you can do to yourself. If you think no one notices, think again, they do. Obsessing keeps you from moving on. In order for your marriage or relationship to grow, you have to stop obsessing about her, her clothes, her car, her kids, her house, child support, their relationship, and their past marriage. It's over. If indeed it's NOT romantically over, get out now.
If you're angry let him know.
There will be times when you need to bare teeth. Count on it. Don't feel guilty for doing so, you're entitled. The frustrations and aggravating circumstances are never ending in a second marriage or relationship. Let it out, don't hold it all inside. Brave the repercussions.
When or if you use these suggestions, adapt them to your individual situation. Be flexible but stand your ground if you believe in something strongly. Keep yourself together and be your own person. Socialize outside of the marriage and the home on your own. Don't lose yourself in his divorce or his previous marriage. After all those things belong to him. Make time for yourself, treat yourself well.
Let me know if this article has helped you :) More coming soon. Susan
Canadian Mom & Stepmom to Four
http://www.secondwivesclub.com
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1-877-STEPMUM
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