An Interview With Sue Thoele
The Author Of: "The Courage To Be A Stepmom - Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself" 
Susan Wilkins-Hubley, a stepmom, interviews Sue Patton Thoele, who is the author of "The Courage to Be A Stepmom". Sue Patton Thoele is a psychotherapist and stepmother of twenty five years. She knows just how difficult it is to be a stepmother. She also knows the rewards can be plentiful. In her groundbreaking book, Ms. Thoele navigates the emotional labyrinth of "stepomothering" by offering hands on advice and practical skills for women who want to be good stepmothers, but still take care of themselves in every aspect.
Why is the role of stepmother so difficult?
There are myriad reasons why stepmothering is difficult but two of the most insidious saboteurs to our sense of well-being are stereotypes and our own expectations. We all know that myths, fairy tales, and society have created stereotypes that equate the role of stepmother with the adjective wicked or evil. Although me may scoff at the effect those automatic adjectives have on our own lives, the effect is enormous in terms of subconscious associations with the role of stepmother. These subconscious "tags" often--without our even being aware of it--create expectations and fears that taint our relationships, especially with our stepkids. Second, no matter what expectations we have of our new marriage and stepmothering role, reality will probably present a different face than we expect. The idealistic glow of fresh love is an absolutely wonderful feeling to have and the memory of it holds us in good stead when the inevitable adjustments of marriage are in full bloom, but--and it's a BIG but--the idealistic and unrealistic expectations we carry about "blending" a family can make us feel like a failure when they don't happen. I advise women to leave their expectations at the altar and to realize that all we are really required to do as good human beings is to be kind and respectful to our stepchildren and to treat them as fairly as possible. All else is gravy. Without unrealistic expectations to trip us up, love, humor, and companionship are more likely to flower among all members of a stepfamily. I advise women to leave their expectations at the altar and to allow relationships to unfold and evolve naturally.
What is the first thing a new stepmom should do?
Find other stepmothers to talk with. Veteran stepmom can educate you about both the pitfalls and wonderful possibilities you may face. Women who are a few years into the stepmother role can also speak to your fears and to your confusion about both actions and attitudes you may experience inside yourself and coming at you from various members of the family, including your own kids, parents, and extended family. Talking with experienced stepmoms helps break the isolation that many of us feel and helps neutralize any feelings of failure we may carry. The second piece of advise I'd like to give to new stepmoms is go slowly. Take it one little bitty step at a time. Don't rush at the kids or try to be a "Disney" mom. If you don't know what to do, do nothing. Wait. Rely heavily on your husband, especially in the discipline department. There's no quicker way to alienate kids than to become a disciplinarian too soon. You all need a chance to get to know each other without the onus of the being the Big Bad Disciplinarian.
What do you mean by a stepfamily being an "emotional minefield"?
Most people come into a stepfamily unfinished business and unresolved wounds. We may be sad that our first marriage didn't work out, the kids may be livid and/or distressed that their fantasies about their "real" parents getting back together have been smashed, we may have festering issues from our previous relationships, and--as hard as it is to admit--one or more of our new family members may naturally push our buttons. Since our wound are often carefully hidden even from ourselves, it's very easy for members of the family to "step" on each other's wounds and cause a blow-up or more the more subtle reactions such as passive aggressive behavior like disrespect, rejection, rebellion, and withdrawal. Unfortunately, in many instances, the stepmom is a convenient target. In order to find the courage to remove the bulls eye from her chest, a stepmom often needs to seek out help and encouragement. In reality, for members of a family to understand each other and eventually evolve into a loving unit, it's often necessary to have expert and supportive advice, counsel, or therapy. With help, we can uncover and neutralize emotional bombs hidden in our psyches.
What are some of the emotions of a new stepmom versus those of a veteran stepmom? Why do stepmoms have these feelings?
You name it in terms of emotion and a new stepmom probably has felt it, does feel it, or will feel it! One of the major surprises for many of the stepmoms I interviewed was the extent of their anger. If their husbands were supportive, able to see and empathize with their point of view, and validated their feels, most stepmom's anger never ignited into rage. When face with a non supportive husband, however, many were surprised and frightened by the enormity of their rage. "It was like riding the scariest emotional roller coaster in the whole world!" one stepmom said about the feelings she experienced the first year of her second marriage. On the other hand, veteran stepmothers seem to experience fewer bouts of intense emotions and are more able to take things--especially the slings and arrows from disgruntled stepkids--less personally and with more humor. So take heart new stepmoms!!! Things usually improve with time and familiarity, especially when you remove the bull's eye from your chest, learn to set realistic limits with all the kids and your husband, and conscientiously take care of yourself.
How can a stepmom make positive choices in the face of such intense feelings?
I'm a great believer in time outs for adults as well as children. If you can't make a good choice, make none. Wait. Take a breather...literally. Get away and breathe deeply. Find a safe place where you can honestly express your feelings, and this may not always be within the bosom of your family. Having friends and confidants with whom you can rant and rave, without ripping the fabric of your home life, is extremely important. Many of us can only sort out our feelings by talking them through, but it may not always be constructive to talk to our mate or the kids when we've just stepped on an emotional mine. Later, when feeling more reasonable and centered, it's important to talk things through. A hurtful word, spoken in the heat of anger, can never be reclaimed, and it's essential that we never intentionally hurt anyone with whom we are in relationship. We'll do plenty of that unintentionally.
What are two important steps that a stepmother can take to help move through her feelings constructively?
Get help when you need it. Stay gently honest with your husband and communicate with the goal of better understanding each other.
What do you mean when you say stepfamilies are "relationships born of loss"?
A stepfamily is usually not what we dreamed of as romantic young women. Few of us fantasized, "I'll grow up and get married to the perfect man who will already have 2.3 children." Therefore, for stepmoms who've never been married before, there is a loss of the expectation of what their marriage would be like and also the very real loss of not having their beloved completely to themselves for at least a little while. For those of us who have been married before, whether we have children or not, the dream--the ideal--of the nuclear family is kapoot. No matter what the situation was in a previous marriage, most of us (and especially the children) grieve the fact that it didn't work out. And some of us also carry a vast amount of guilt over not being able to provide a forever-family for our kids.
What are some of the most risky expectations a stepmom can have?
I love this man so I will naturally love his children. If I'm nice enough, thoughtful enough, patient enough, perfect enough, the kids will like me and be happy that I'm in their lives. That her new husband will automatically be the father her kids deserve and need. We will immediately be one big happy "blended" Brady Bunch.
What do you mean by "complementary mothering"?
Kids can use all the adult friends and mentors they can find. While not trying to be the "real" mother, we can take a complementary mothering role with them. One stepmom I know is a very spiritually minded artist. Her two step-daughters seemed very interested in both spiritual exploration and artistic endeavors. Being a very direct person, she talked to the girls' mother and asked her is she minded her taking a very active role with the girls in these two areas. The mom was secure in her relationship with her daughters and graciously said, "Be my guest." One of the girls became a minister and the other is a graphic artist. That is a wonderful example of complementary mothering. No one person can give a child everything they need, and it's so wonderful when parents--natural and step--can work together for the child's best interests.
What final bit of advice would you like to give stepmoms?
Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. You had a re-stepmother self; make sure that she is still nurtured and encouraged by you. Connect with other couples who are parents in a stepfamily and joing a step-couples group if possible. At the very least, you connect with other stepmoms. Hang in there! Things usually even out and get better. Susan
Canadian Mom & Stepmom to Four
http://www.secondwivesclub.com
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1-877-STEPMUM
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