Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

 
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Egads!! I just had the most horrifying nightmare of my adulthood. Not a crummy childhood dream where Dean the Class Bully takes your last twinkie - but more along the lines of sophisticated mature nightmares where Dean the Office Bully takes your last twinkie and Walmart is closed. The sort of nightmares that seem so completely realistic that you check under the covers to see if Dean is down there actually hoarding twinkies for Black Market Resale. That, my friends, is the level of nightmares I leapt into last night.

I should have realized that watching back-to-back “The Matrix” and “X-Files” (“watchin’ X-Files with no lights on - I hope the Smoking Man is in this one...”) would have immediately set the stage for a ghoulish nightmare, but the red warning signals should have blared after I ate 3 straight bowls of green M&M’s - only GREEN, mind you - what do you think I am, weird or something? - and hopped into bed with visions of Mulder & Scully in my head.

Things were going fine in Lullaby Land until my middle daughter woke me up to accompany her to the bathroom around 3 am. As I groggily sang back-up to my 2-year-old happily belting out, “The Potty Song”, my mind was wandering over dusty cases that Mulder & Scully had yet to solve.....

As Mulder and I ran down the dank and dismal sewer line, I secretly wondered why Mulder never had any dates. We met up with Scully and Mulder babbled incessantly over UFO’s and the little men we just passed in the sewer lines. I rolled my eyes and subtly informed Scully the “little green men” were simply teeny weeny men that had been flushed down the toilet in China and had grown into little green men in the sewer lines of New York City - DuhUH! No WONDER Mulder never has a female companion. Gheesh.

We neared the sewer outlet and with “superhuman” strength, we managed our way through the remainder of the episode. As Scully and Mulder argued over which direction to head, Brittany Spears cart wheeled herself right in front of us doing high kicks and do-se-do’s. (How these dreams jump from place to place, I’ll never know - but I bet Mulder has a 32-page report on it). Brittany did her shimmy and crooning “hit me baby, one more time” - so I did. Right in the kisser - POW! To the moon, Alice! - I mean, Brittany. To the moon.

O.K. - I’ve freaked myself out so badly, that I just made my husband get up out of bed and check the entire house for a strange “noise” I just heard. Needless to say, he didn’t find anything, except a few Brittany Spears posters in my daughter’s room that about sent both of us screaming. Talk about scary. At least I was scared. My husband won’t talk to me at this point. I think it was because I ate all the green M&M’s. I don’t know, though.

Anyway, when Brittany Spears roller coastered into the dream, Scully immediately called Mulder on her cell phone for help (yes, I know he was right with us - but it’s a dream - and you can’t trust that guy anyway). “Mulder! It’s me Scully - oh yeah - and that freaky chick is back AGAIN - no, not Brittany Spears.... Yes - that’s right, the M&M girl. Anyway, Mulder - I need you to ...” And the cell phone went dead. Scully pounded her fist against her forehead and muttered something about this always happening to her and as I consoled her, she shrank away in disgust - probably at something she ate for lunch coming back to haunt her or something. I’m sure Mulder has a 71-page report solely on Scully’s eating habits.

Scully desperately tried her cell phone 3 or 4 times to contact Mulder - with no success. It was so sad watching a woman who so desperately needed to get to - or maybe it was away from - something. Hmmmm - whatever could it be? I saw something snare Scully’s eye - and then I saw it. It was everywhere. It was suffocating us. It was the end of us. This was worse than Y2K. This was the inevitable. And I woke up in a cold sweat with a smothered scream stifled in my throat. We had nearly escaped it. But it would be there looming for us the next time I went to sleep. There was no avoiding it - it would return to end us all. Mulder had a 95-page report on it. It was the biggest X-File of them all. It was BAD CELLULAR SERVICE - and it was there waiting for me - begging me to sleep.

Wendy

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