The Adventures of Potty Training
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Potty training should be fairly simple don't you think? Even the most primary principle of childraising has my family in an uproar. Every mother or father deals with this. It's unavoidable. They just don't make a diaper large enough for a 13 year old. Not to mention the complex this poor child would have on his first day of middle school. Can you say outcast with a capital 'O'? So, there's no avoiding it. I must potty train my children. Our oldest daughter was an incredible challenge. It just didn't ruffle her to sit in a messy (not to mention smelly!) diaper all afternoon. 'Honey, did you make a mess in your diaper?' I inquired as my nose wrinkled due to an olfactory perception alert. It was quite apparent she did 'make a mess' one that I would need an entire box of wet wipes to remedy. Her response? A smug, nonchalant, 'Nope.' Now come on! Her diaper was practically dragging the ground. My own flesh and blood was flat out mocking me! (Silly me - little did I know that this was only a prelude of what was to arrive in the upcoming years.) I finally had lost all endurance when she would get up and run away snickering immediately after I freed her from the dirty diaper. I've heard of 'catch and release' but this is ridiculous! I ultimately realized I was the farce of my daughter's buffoonery. I was beaten. Somehow, someway she became potty trained. I don't quite know how it happened, but I gather it was not very fashionable to wear pull-ups to preschool. 'Who's the cool kid?' One day my husband discreetly signaled me to the bathroom. There she was, sitting on the toilet buck naked eating from a colossal size bag of Malt O' Meal cereal. Well, at least she's multi-tasking. One down, two to goÖ.. My middle child is the epitome of the 'Middle Child Syndrome.' In every way, shape and form she is radically independent and shrewd. The scary thing is she's proud of it. She is nearly two and is determined she will train herself. She's watched her big sister achieve this milestone and now it is arbitrary that she will be potty trained swifter and better. Yesterday, I was cooking dinner and prayed that the girls could keep themselves occupied long enough to set the table. However, they couldn't. Not even five minutes passed and I heard a blood curling howl. Her entire body had fallen into the toilet. She hadn't even bothered to remove her pants nor her diaper nor her shoes. Now apprehensive of the toilet and still determined to be an over-achiever, we deal with the minor dilemma that no matter the location, she will bellow, 'Potty, Mommy' and drop her pants. Needless to say, this doesn't work very well. Last week I was with my charming toddler at an elegant boutique when I heard the dreaded Potty Announcement. When the surly saleslady heard, 'Potty Mommy!!' and saw a snotty-nosed kid dropping her pants, she reached my daughter nearly twice as quickly as I did. However, she was so startled, she wet her pants anyway. I am no longer allowed there. I'm thinking that maybe we could factor in a gene that would eliminate the need for potty training. Future children would not need to wear diapers from the time of birth. Think of the environmental factor! No more disposable diapers! What a concept. Oh, I'm not thinking of myself or how simplified my life would be if I didn't have to change diapers all day really. I'm thinking of everyone else, future generations and the environment really I am!
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