The Path to Where We Are
of Her Keyboard
As I sit here and hold my darling 2 1/2 year old daughter, I feel blessed. My child is a miracle from heaven, and I thought she'd never come.
I found out that I was pregnant for the first time in 1992. I was so excited, and my husband was too. I had known that I was pregnant before the doctor could diagnose it, so confirmation of my suspicions was the light of my day.
I went through normal pregnancy stages. I had morning sickness at all times of the day and night. I gained weight. I was tired. I was on cloud nine through it all, though, so nothing else mattered. Fourteen weeks into my pregnancy, however, it would all come to an abrupt end! With a sharp pain and a lot of bleeding, I miscarried my first child.
My sister-in-law was pregnant at the same time. She had been diagnosed 2-3 weeks after I had. Now, it was everything I could do to be in the room with her without hating her. I hated all pregnant women, mothers, and children. I felt that I had been cheated. Nobody spoke of it except my husband (when we were alone). Part of me was glad for the silence because it relieved me of having to respond. But a larger part of me was angry that nobody cared about me enough to help me work through it. I went through these emotions for about a year. Then I decided that I wanted to try again.
It took about 6 months to get pregnant again, and that pregnancy ended at week 9 just as the first pregnancy had ended: abruptly. I started to wonder what was wrong with me, but this time I didn't want to wait. I wanted to try again. Within 3-4 months, I was pregnant again though, and I was convinced that I wasn't going to do anything wrong this time. Unfortunately, this pregnancy too ended after just 6 short weeks. I had known that I was pregnant for only 1 month.
Each of my miscarriages had been what is known as "blighted ovum." With this condition, the body is pregnant in every way except the production of the baby. When my body progressed to the point that it realized the absence of the baby, everything else was shut down. Through each of these miscarriages, I wasn't able to get any emotional support. No one seemed to understand what I was going through. The only support groups that I was put in touch with had members that had not been through my same experience. Family and friends simply stated "At least it wasn't a baby that you miscarried." What everyone failed to recognize was the fact that I had bonded with those "babies" before finding out that they weren't there. So the miscarriages were just as traumatic mentally; and they posed the same risks physically.
In January, 1996, I learned that I was pregnant for the 4th time. My doctor was a specialist in higher risk pregnancies, but he seemed confident that I had a great chance of a normal pregnancy. I wasn't quite as optimistic. With pregnancy #4, I had the worst morning sickness of them all. I often didn't make it to a proper location before throwing up. I bloated to the point that I had to wear shoes which were 2 sizes larger than my pre-pregnancy shoes; and I wouldn't even wear them when I didn't have to.
Now came time to add insult to injury. I found out that I had gestational diabetes. Now I was not only restricted from consuming artificial sweeteners, but also real sugar! I was put on a strict diet which dictated what I ate, what time I ate, and how much of each item I ate. My life was on a stop-watch. But through it all, I smiled because I was "still pregnant."
Seven and one-half weeks before my due date, labor pains began. Sure that they were false labor, I stayed at work for an entire day, and didn't call the doctor until the following morning (since they hadn't stopped yet). I was admitted to the hospital and put on drugs to stop my labor. It was too early, and my baby wasn't fully developed. Drugs were injected into my unborn child to help her lungs develop, as I sat in the hospital for 4 days.
The day I was released from the hospital with a prescription of the labor-stopping drugs, my water broke, and I returned to the hospital. This time, labor couldn't be stopped. My daughter was breech, but she was too far down to flip, so she was born C-section, with jaundice, 6 1/2 weeks early.
She is beautiful and healthy today. And I still believe she is the most precious gift God (or whatever high power you believe in) has ever given me. My husband and I were fortunate to have our daughter, but we were ready to go through life without her. After 3 miscarriages, we were convinced that we would never have a child, and we had accepted that. The best thing we did was to learn that everything in life happens for a reason, even if we don't know the reason at the time it happens. Have faith, and you will get through it with flying colors!
END NOTE: I would like to invite anyone to send me an e-mail if you have experienced blighted ovum and need someone who understands what you are going through. My e-mail address is:
Rebecca Bilbrey, owner of Her Keyboard. Rebecca Bilbrey owns the home-based desktop publishing business, Her Keyboard. She works from home so that she will have more time with her daughter and husband. Her Keyboard serves business as well as individuals.
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