I Can Dish It Out, But I Can't Take It
What is it about compliments that sends a perfectly intelligent woman into a complete tizzy? What strange force compels us to turn the compliment back as "oh, it was nothing" or dismiss it as someone "just being nice"?
A fine example happened this past week. My entire house has been infected with a very nasty respiratory bug. My energy level has been comparable to that of a sloth, and my ability to breathe is sorely missed. Anyway, I rolled out of bed one morning, not voluntarily, mind you, and slunk downstairs in search of orange juice before I hit the shower. My husband had the audacity to say "Your hair looks nice". How sinister, right? I quipped back, in between coughing fits, "Oh yea, I'm a regular vision of loveliness with my bed hair, puffy eyes and red nose. I am a quite the Babe." Considering I probably would have snapped at him if he pushed the point, he shrugged and went off in search of his lunch. A much safer pursuit, and fine choice on his part, I must say.
There was no ulterior motive. He had nothing to gain. No one forced him to offer a compliment, yet, there was no way on Earth I could believe him or accept the compliment. I couldn't even give him the benefit of the doubt by simply saying "thanks". Who knows, maybe intense congestion and lack of sleep gives my hair an incredible glow that I can't see. Even if my husband is the only one who sees it, and thinks enough of me to offer a compliment, why couldn't I just accept it? I not only had to turn the compliment down, but I needed to completely discredit the possibility of it being true.
To make matters even more murky, as often happens in life, women have no trouble offering compliments. It's just that receiving stuff that is impossible. For instance, if a child proudly displays piece of paper covered with multi-colored scrawls, I doubt any of us would hesitate to praise the child's efforts. Your co-worker lands a client after weeks of hard work, your telling her "Good job!" is not an off-the-wall response. Why then, is receiving, rather than giving, the compliment such an issue?
Here's my theory. (you had to know I had one!) Women are the consummate nurturers. We are the nose-wipers, hug-givers, listeners, back-patters, and Good Friends of the world. Studies have shown that a woman is more likely to aid an unrelated child in need then her male counterpart. In whatever form, we give, we take care of, we support. Oddly enough, however, this giving, caring and supporting is rarely turned upon ourselves. Whether out of fear of conceit, lack of self-esteem or any number of reasons, we have neglected our ability to see the good in ourselves.
So, I guess until I regain my own ability, I'll have to accept the judgment of others, bite my lip and just say "thanks". What better exercise of selflessness then not to force my self-criticism upon unwary complimentors?
all the best,
Catie
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