The World According to a Five Year Old

 
By Wendy Wheatley

Mommy, why is snow cold?

Because it’s winter – and don’t eat the yellow snow, honey.

But Mommy, why does it snow when it’s cold?

So the weather man will actually know what season we’re in.

What’s a weather man?

The guy on TV who buffers himself by predicting 50/50 chance of snow.

What’s 50/50 mean?

80/20.

Mommy, why is the sun out in the daytime?

So we know it’s time to get up in the morning.

But why can’t I see the sun right now?

That means it’s nighttime.

But I’m still up.

That’s right – time for bed.

10 more minutes.

Make it 5.

Why?

Because I said so.

Why do you always say that?

Because my mommy always said it to me and you will someday say it to your daughter.

But you still didn’t answer my question.

Huh? Did you say something, honey?

Mommy, why is Daddy’s hair longer than yours?

Because he’s silly.

Will I have long hair too?

Probably – it’s hereditary. You’re silly too.

Why do chickens lay eggs?

So we can have scrambled eggs.

You mean we’re eating a BABY CHICKEN!??!

Oops – don’t ask what’s in the Chicken McNuggets – you’ll have a coronary.

What’s a coronary?

What’ll you give me by the time I’m 35.

You’re old, Mommy.

Gee thanks.

Will I be old someday?

Old is only in your head.

Just like the little mouse that’s running on the wheel?

What?

That’s how Daddy says we think. A little mouse runs on a wheel and ….

I get the picture. Don’t ever listen to what your father tells you.

Daddy said the same about you.

Well, I’m right, though.

Oh – well why do you and Daddy fight sometimes?

Well, because we love each other.

I don’t understand.

I don’t either. It sounded good in theory though.

Mommy, why do people die?

Well, I – um.

Will I die too?

Oh baby. Let’s talk about happy things.

Like when I went on the ride at the fair and almost threw up.

Well, I guess that’s a bit better.

Let’s go to the fair right now!

Honey, it’s the middle of winter! It’s only 10 degrees outside.

Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Who taught you that?!

My teacher did.

Well, I’ll have to have a talk with her.

Good – she said she wanted to have a talk with you, too.

Uh oh.

Mommy – where do babies come from?

Go ask your father – he’s the self-proclaimed expert in that category, dear.

Wendy


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