As the winter wraps up, everyone’s getting ready for tax season. Beat the stress of doing your books with these hilarious accounting puns, one-liners, and jokes.
Accounting Puns and One-Liners
It’s an accrual world.
Be audit, you can be.
What’s grey and invisible? An accountant on holiday.
What did the accountant say when boarding the subway? ‘Mind the GAAP.’
Accountants don’t perish and die; they’ll get derecognized
Why does an accountant make a good lover? They’re great at handling figures.
Why do you never marry an accountant? They suffer from depreciation.
Why are economists alive? So accountants have a profession to laugh at.
How do accountants stay out of debt? They learn to act their wage.
The accountant went to her fitness trainer to discuss stretch targets.
Do you know where your auditor is? It’s 4:04.
How do actuaries liven up an office party? They invite the accountant.
What do you call accountants without spreadsheets? Lost.
Did you hear about the CPA that was a cannibal? She charged clients an arm and a leg.
What’s the accountant’s favorite novel? 50 Shades of Grey.
What music do you play at an accountant’s funeral? The Last Post.
Where do you find homeless accountants? In tax shelters.
Have you heard about the interesting accountant? No. I haven’t, either.
What do accountants do in their spare time for fun? Add up the phone book!
Why don’t accountants fall? They never lose their balance!
Why did the accountant go to rehab? Solvency abuse.
What do you call an accountant with no calculator? Lonely.
What is the definition of an actuary? An accountant with no sense of humor.
Why was copper wire invented? Because two accountants were in an argument over a penny.
Welcome to our accounting department. Here, everybody counts.
What do you call an accountant talking to someone at work? Popular
There are two types of business accountants. Those who can count and those who can’t.
What does the acronym CPA stand for? Can’t Pass Again.
What do accountants call trial balances that don’t balance? A late night.
How does the accountant value Santa’s sleigh? Using Net Present Value.
Did you hear about the evil Forensic Accountant? He reduced his client’s charges to net indecency from gross indecency.
Why was the accountant excited he completed the jigsaw puzzle in 59 weeks? Because the box said 8-12 Years.
What’s the definition of an extroverted accountant? Looking at your shoes while talking to you instead of looking at his own.
What do you call accountants who say they post a one-sided journal? A liar!!
Did you hear about the CFO who was constipated? He couldn’t budget with the calculator, so he worked it out with paper and a pencil.
How do you drive accountants insane? Tie them to chairs, stand in front of them and fold a road map incorrectly.
How can you tell if a chief accountant is going soft? When he starts listening to marketing presentations before saying no.
What’s the evilest thing a bunch of young accountants can do? Gang-audit someone.
There are two rules for creating successful accountancy businesses: 1. Don’t let them know everything, and 2. [Redacted].
What do accountants say when asking them the time? It’s 9.19 am and 11 seconds; no wait – 12 seconds, no wait – 13 seconds, no wait…
What is the definition of “accountant”? A person who solves problems you didn’t know you had with methods you don’t understand.
Did you hear about the corrupt Finance Director? He burned down his office cooking the books.
What do you call an accountant who works through lunch, takes two days’ vacation every two years, is in the office on weekends, and leaves after 10 p.m.? Lazy.
Why did the accountant stare at the glass of orange juice for two hours? Because the box says “concentrate.”
How do accountants create bold fashion statements? By wearing dark grey socks instead of light grey.
What’s the definition of an insolvency accountant? One who arrives after the battle bayonets the wounded, pawns off their possessions, and charges time to their relatives.
Why did the auditor get run over walking across the road? Auditors only do their risk assessment after the accident occurs.
What did the accountant say after receiving a blank check? My deductions caught up with my salary.
Did you hear about the retiring shy accountant? The accountant is $2 million shy and thus retiring.
Accounting Long Jokes
A business owner tells his friend he’s desperately looking for an accountant.
The friend asks, “Didn’t your business hire an accountant recently?”
The owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’m searching for.”
Two accountants are standing in line at the bank when armed men burst in.
Several robbers take money from the tellers, while others line up the customers and the accountants against the wall. The robbers proceeded to take their watches and wallets.
While this occurs, one of the accountants jams something in the other one’s hand.
Accountant number two whispers, “What is this?”
The other accountant replies, “it’s the $100 I owe you.”
What did the accountant say after looking at the tax form?
The man setting the standard deduction must be a bachelor.
I’m lying when listing myself as the head of the household.
An accountant has a hard time sleeping and goes to the doctor.
“Doctor, I can’t get to sleep.”
“Have you tried the trick of counting sheep?”
“That’s the issue – I make mistakes and spend three hours trying to find them.”