If you want to make a good impression at a party, hands-down, you need some good jokes to entertain the crowd. But seriously, let’s look at a few hand jokes to give you a good laugh.
Hand puns one-liners
- How many bones are there in a human hand? Umm, around a handful, maybe?
- What are the best names for your watchdogs? Timex and Rolex.
- What did the cop say to the hand? You’re coming with me. I’m placing you under a-wrist.
- What is the rudest thing you can say to someone who has lost digits? We’re crossing our fingers for you.
- What tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
- What does the Pope use when drying his hands? A papal towel.
- What do you call a vocalist that’s singing with the hand shower? A Faucetto.
- Which is the best hand to write a letter with? Neither. You should always write letters with a pen.
- Why can’t people without hands tell you what’s wrong with this picture? They can’t quite put their finger on it.
- Why can’t a T-rex clap its hands? Because it’s extinct.
- Why doesn’t the elbow get credit for bending the arm? Because it requires a joint effort.
- Why do fingers refuse to agree with thumbs? Because thumbs are opposable.
- Why do fingers have a reputation as a reliable body part? Because you can count on them.
- Why is beef’s handwriting bad? Because it’s jerky.
- How do you wash your hands for Christmas dinner? With hand Santatizer.
- How did the hipster burn his hand? He tried to change the lightbulb before it was cool.
Broken/injured hand jokes
- Did you hear about the man that had a broken hand? He hasn’t been feeling himself lately.
- I was surprised to fail at No Nut November this early and with a broken hand. It’s just hard to come to grips with it.
- If you have 10 cookies and someone takes one, how many do they have? One and a black eye.
- My doctor gave me a note saying I had broken my hand. He couldn’t look at me. It was hard to grasp the situation.
- I took an x-ray to see if I had broken my hand. The results were negative
- Broke my finger today. On the other hand, I’m okay.
One hand jokes
- I got a pair of leather gloves today, but they’re both ‘left.’ On the one hand, that’s great, but it’s not right on the other.
- Why did the man with only one hand cross the road? To reach the secondhand shop.
- What do you call a woman with a duster in one hand, a brush in her other, a spade on one foot, and a saw in the other? A Swiss army wife.
- If I have three oranges in one hand and four in the other, what do I have? Very large hands.
- If you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other, what do you have? Total control over Kermit the frog.
- A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with a single hand. The nurse said if he used both, it would be better.
Small hand jokes
- What would Donald Trump’s mafia nickname be if he was part of the mob? Donny Small Hands.
- How come Apple products have such small transistors in the device? Well, Chinese children have very small hands.
- Why does it take 100 mink to make a beautiful fur coat? Because they’re lazy and have small hands!
Big hands jokes
- I bought a clock, and the big hand broke off. I didn’t want to toss it out, so I just added “ish” to all the numbers.
- I made a clock with knives. The small hand is a paring knife, and the big hand is a butcher’s knife. The clock face is a sharpening stone, so you know there’s never a dull moment looking at the time.
- Do you know what they say about having big feet and hands? Two out of three isn’t bad!
Missing hand jokes
- Being an Amputee is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
- How does an amputee play with themselves? Singlehandedly.